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The Alfa baseless predictions thread...

6K views 66 replies 26 participants last post by  Scudetto 
G
#1 ·
With the near weekly change in AR plans it's getting
quite difficult for bloggers and car "news" websites to keep up.
:)rolleyes:)


As we're all Alfisti, what's to say we can't come up with some
more realistic fluff than some of these "experts"? :confused:






So, let's start some rumours, I'll go first.



I reckon that whatever direction AR plan/will take in the next 2-3 years
there is a big bleedin' whole in the line up.


Nope. Not a Spider or Coupe.
There's no Sportwagon. A big mainstream seller, I would guess.


So my prediction is a stretched Giulietta Sportwagon.

:thumbs:


Next!

:D
 
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#3 ·
Well for a start off, sales will be up to 1 million units per year by 2014 :rolleyes:

Observe the new MINI "coupe". Think "we can make something as hideous as that!". Take MiTo, and drop the roofline until the side windows are no more than 2 inches from top to bottom...
 
#11 ·
4C will be cancelled due to "economic pressures".

Giulietta GTA will be announced.

Development of 300hp 1.8 engine will be "put on hold" indefinitely, for no clear reason (other than that it possibly never actually existed outside of a computer simulation).

Giulietta GTA will be cancelled due to "lack of suitable engine" and "economic circumstances".

Harald Wester will resign and go to work for VW after everything he has predicted for Alfa fails to materialise.

Alfa will launch a compact SUV which is actually a jacked-up Giulietta with grey plastic bumpers and side trims.

Alfas' new RWD flagship will be a re-badged Dodge Charger.

Five-door Mito will have increased ride-height and hidden rear door handles.

Facelifted Mito will actually be an improvement.

New Dodge "subcompact" will be a re-badged Mito. With a boot.

New Giulia will be unveiled, looking suspiciously like the new Chrysler 200.

4-seat Coupe version of Giulia will be announced. Looks like a 2-door Chrysler 200...

Giulia GTA will be "confirmed for production very soon" by yet another hapless Alfa CEO. Rubbish artists impressions look like Chrysler 200 with a body kit.

Wild front-engine rear-drive concept, the "SXE V6" shown at motor show. Even though Fiat say "...no definite plans for production..." ever-hopeful Alfa enthusiasts rush to their local dealers to place deposits.

First official pictures of Giulia GTA released. For once the artists impressions were right.

Alfas' new fagship will get utterly panned by the motoring press, but will inexplicably sell well...

Alfas' return to the USA will be delayed until 2016.


This is fun... so much ammunition... I could go on... probably forever.
 
#14 ·
A MiTo-based, 2-seater coupe.. which they woulda called "Sprint" if they hadn't used that name as a trim level...

They call it "MiTo GT" instead.

Someone says "GT" means "Gran Turismo" and the 1.4 ltr donkey might not really qualify.. so they cram a 1750TBi engine in there.

They come in after tha weekend to find that someone in the engine shop has "tweeked it" a bit and it now makes 280bhp and spits fire out of the exhausts on over-run. AR fits a little metal plate on the bumper to stop it melting.. They decide the standard MiTo brakes will be "okay".. :D


Ralf S.
 
#16 ·
Alfa CEO decides that Alfa needs a city car and signs off on the 500 based Alfa Romeo Runto, using the parts that Ford didn't use on their version (called the the Ford Kak) Alfa actually make a decent fist of it until the prices are announced and Autocar get to test it against The VW UP, and whaterver else VW group have released on the platform.
Comes last in a group test against itself, Autocar stating that The 2.2 turns steering is too go-kart like, the 2-cylinder engine to thrashy and noisy at the red line and brakes aren't up to the job.
 
#18 ·
So my prediction is a stretched Giulietta Sportwagon.
Alfa will launch a compact SUV which is actually a jacked-up Giulietta with grey plastic bumpers and side trims.
We are getting too close to the truth now. :tut: The G will be stretched, jacked up, plasticised around the bumpers, given ridiculously large wheels, fitted with an iPhone5 docking station and pitched in the premium SUV market in direct competition with the Cayanne - ready for the North American market launch. Only post launch (UK and Europe only) will they realise the MiTo 1.4 engine does not quite cut it and promise a GTA version "in the next few months" whilst releasing a stop gap diesel based on the Brera 2.4 engine.
 
#20 ·
FIAT sell the Alfa brand to Jeep as a clothing line.
The last Alfa rolls off the production line in mid 2012
A silent protest across Europe sees Alfisti drive their vehicles up to the gates of FIAT franchises and abandon them, dropping the keys down the nearest drain, and blocking traffic for weeks
Alfa branded clothing is taken up as a post ironic cult statement by a gay biker clan in Alabama
 
#21 ·
Alfa wil be sued by Citroen for using the name 2CVeloce as they own the 2CV trademark.

Fiat will announce their intentions to offer a "Green Cloverleaf" version of all current and future Alfa models. Initial excitement is quickly dampened when it becomes clear that the emphasis is on the "Green". The first model to receive the new eco-friendly treatment is the Giulietta: it will have a twin-air range-extender hybrid powertrain developed with the help of Lotus Engineering.

Fiat will sell the tooling for the 159 and Brera to one of the major new Chinese manufacturers. However the chinese experience problems with the pronunciation of "Brera" and so rename it the "Bazuma".

In order to receive another 5% of Chrysler, Fiat must build them a car that can do 40mpg. This is seen as an easy task, but Fiat engineers are baffled when the car fails to achieve its target during the official American Government tests. Apparently nobody at Fiat realised that US gallons are in fact smaller than Imperial gallons. Marchionne is heard to mutter "we can fix this. Not as if it's a space telescope or anything..."

At the Geneva motor show, with no new Alfa models to show, Fiat will nevertheless hold a lengthy press conference, outlining their (new and improved) plans for the future. They will admit that Alfas' planned return to the US has become something of a farce, and in order to address the multitude of relevant issues, they will create with immediate effect a dedicated team to "prepare the ground for Alfas' imminent return". They will be described as "a small autonomous entity within the Fiat-Chrysler group who will report directly to CEO Marchionne". This "select and highly motivated task force" will be known as "Alfa Romeo North America". Nobody at Fiat notices the potential problem with that name as no-one in their Department of Acronyms was even born at the time of Alfa and Nissans' ill-advised liason.

The 4c will appear at motor shows in a succession of different colours, even after it has been officially cancelled.

In the face of difficult economic times and a sharp decline in the number of Alfas on the roads, many independent specialists will close. Most will re-open a few days later as BMW/VW specialists. None will become Chrysler/Lancia specialists.

Fiat-Chrysler will relocate its' financial centre of operations to the US. Irate union officials in Italy burn effigies of Marchionne outside empty Fiat offices.

Italy will declare that it has a serious sovereign debt problem. An investigation by the IMF quickly reveals that the Italian government have been cooking the books for years, and total bankruptcy is imminent. The IMF fears a collapse of the eurozone and asks Germany for help. The Germans agree to help only if Fiat agree to sell Alfa to VW. Mr Marchionne says "no chance". Without financial support, Italy is declared bankrupt within weeks, but nobody there seems to notice any change, except for an increase in long-faced politicians and financial analysts on the TV.

An attractive roadster bearing an uncanny resemblance to the 2euttottanta concept will be launched, to great critical acclaim. But it won't have an Alfa badge. It will be a KIA.
 
#22 ·
Alfa's answer to the Kia 2uettottanta will be an awkward auto-only convertible version of the Mito, powered by a twinair diesel and badged 'Spider Budgetto'. This will generate a lot of interest in England even though many buyers will be disappointed it doesn't have four seats.
Unfortunately for Alfa, these 27 potential buyers will all be put off when they read the Autocar comparison between the Spider Budgetto and the Chinese-produced Brera Spider, now called the Ah Romiyoo Lucky Fortune Style. Fiat, as you'll recall, will have previously sold the 159 / Brera tooling to a Chinese gardening implement manufacturer, minus the engine designs as they were licensed from GM. The Chinese owners will simply fit the two-stroke engine from their weedeater range, which Autocar will praise as smooth and free-revving compared to the Spider Budgetto's twinair diesel. Reviewers will also note the Budgetto's ride is harsh and crashy compared to its Chinese rival's, and then mark the Alfa down further based on its poor projected reliability record and anticipated weak residuals. The final point which will cause Autocar to come out in favour of Ah Romiyoo is Alfa's decision to have the Spider Budgetto's roof only raise when the DNA selector is set to 'all-weather'. Autocar will express their concern that this will lead to the Alfas rusting prematurely, which all potential buyers will believe.
Alfa will claim that this decision was made to emphasise the convertible FWD automatic two-cylinder diesel's sportiness, and its connection with the 8C Spider supercar.
 
#25 ·
The Alfa Romeo museum will be closed permanently and the entire collection sold off. Most of the cars end up either in Japan or the US, but some time before the auction several notable exhibits disappear without trace.

In an effort to show that the new Alfa Romeo Super Engine has nothing to do with Chrysler or GEMA, Fiat release an official picture of it. Close inspection of the image reveals a bad photoshop of two TwinAir engines joined together.

A prominent AlfaOwner member will be exposed as a Fiat "plant". Shortly afterwards, the forum is sold to a mystery buyer. Animated adverts for Chryslers appear on the forum, and make everybodys' PC crash.

Encouraged by the (relative) success of the "Green" Cloverleaf cars, Fiat announce "...a major step forward in technology, giving people the performance they expect from an Alfa Romeo whilst simultaneously protecting the environment for the benefit of future generations". This transpires to be a new one-cylinder Range-Extender engine developed in collaboration with Lotus Engineering and their parent, Proton. This new powerplant will have a cast monoblock construction (cylinder head and block one piece, no head gasket) and will be known as SolitAir. Turbocharging the engine proves to be a bit of a nightmare, so it's released as Normally Aspirated only. Lotus and Proton continue development of a turbocharged version, under the project codename "Single Cylinder Hybrid Integrated Turbo".

The unfortunate Mr Wester will make an "off the record" remark at the Geneva motorshow confirming that the new 300hp 1.8 is in fact the GEMA engine. This news will be across the web in minutes, and Alfisti the world over will be heard crying "whaaahaha, it's a Hyundai engine! boohoo, sob, sob". Italian sales of Prozac soar, and the Samaritans begin advertising on AlfaOwner.

Fiat-Chrysler make a surprise investment, acquiring a large pharmaceutical manufacturer. Financial analysts are perplexed, until it is discovered that they are one of the worlds' largest producers of Fluoxetine.
 
#28 ·
I think the famous Alfa Romeo " ARNA " will be brought back as a stretch Limo, only available in pearl white, seating about 24 people, and will be very popular for Indian weddings in the U.K. Thus making it the best selling ( and longest ) Sportwagon in the Country !!!!.......:cheese:
 
#31 ·
The return of the Montreal, with a brand new 350hp, 1.8 litre turbo engine is delayed because they can't agree on the positioning of the power socket :lol:
 
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