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My wife and the love of my life has split with me, around 7 weeks ago now but the separation was going on for months with my wife slowly withdrawing from me, distancing herself and finding fault in our marriage. I love my wife with all my heart and do not want this situation to happen but we have said and done some horrible things to each other and she has been so cruel in order to get me out of her life - I don't understand why, I thought I had been a good husband.

I don't see a lot of point in life at the moment - I have two beautiful children but being with them is hard becase I want their Mum there too. My work has suffered and I am not enjoying it anymore. My family lives in a different country and I have very few friends, none close. It seems that people are too busy with their own lives to worry too much about me although people have been kind to me and tried to help as best they can. People have their own lives however and you can only bother them so long with your troubles.
My wife has turned my in-laws against me and a once happy and stable life has been turned on its head. I feel unworthy of love and affection as my wife has made me out to be a vile, nasty person - how she can send our children to stay with me if I am so horrible I don't know? I do believe she has found someone else but of course she won't admit it, so I don't know this for sure, but a lot of signs point to it and I guess I know my own heart and know my wife.

This is tearing me apart as all I want to to do is love me wife and be with her.
I have had some terrible thoughts of killing myself but then how can I leave my children, although they might be better off wthout me seeing as I am so uncaring, unloving, surely this will eventually rub off on them and I will just be a negative influence on their lives so perhaps they would be better off without me.

I hate the new place I have to live in, I hate my loneliness, the fact I now have little money to try and live a life - what can I offer anyone? 38, separated with two young children and hamstrung financially. I feel lost and overwhelmed by it all. Life seems pointless and empty without my wife and her love - she was my guide, my soul mate, my compass - everything I did was for her and then for her and the children.

For the first time in their lives I won't be there for the children at Christmas, it is killing me. I don't get to see them everyday, kiss them goodnight before I go to bed every night like I used to, read them their stories, run their bath, taking my son outside to play football, take them to the park, buy them a spontaneous gift, bring them to school, speak to them of normal things - it is all gone.

I am not the biggest Christmas fan, I detest it this year but I have to try and make an effort for the children when they come and stay with me but it is just so hard. Mediation between my wife and I is due to start in January - this is sort out child access, finances and the like - I don't want to do it and it leads to one thing, divorce and I don't want that but I feel I have no option. My wife tells me she no longer loves me and things I have done in the past that she forgave me now haunt her and make her feel that I am untrustworthy and unloving. I haven't had an affair, gambled, drank to excess, spent money wildly, been abusive, physically violent or anything that would make you think I deserve to be slung out of the house and the marriage to end. I can't understand how we have got to this point but here we are. What's more it seems to me that my wife is continuing on with her life and work unaffected, making new friends, socialising and generally living a single life while her parents take care of our children, she doesn't seem to have even the slightest feeling for me anymore. I could of course be absolutely wrong and she is suffering in her own way but it doesn't seem that way.

I feel like I have stepped back 12 years in my life to where I was when I first met my wife except not I have a lot more responsibilities and ties and can't just start my life over, and it's not like I want to either. I am in counselling/therapy but even that isn't helping.

Why this is happening I don't know.
 

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:( Oh crap, sorry to hear about this Dpat, I'd wondered where you had been.
 

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Really sorry to hear this. It does sound as if she wanted you to leave her and that's why she was being as nasty. I must admit, I did the same thing.

I hope mediation helps; they can be there with you through every step of the way. It is important to re- establish relations with your in-laws. My ex did exactly the same thing, turning his mother against me. She died last month and I never really got the chance to heal wounds. I have to say, though, the funeral was cathartic and I managed to mend a few bridges. Do you have any in laws that will help you? My brother in law helped me.

In the meantime it will be hard. Just try to keep things as pleasant as possible. Never use the kids, interrogate them or try to turn them. If they come to you with lies their mother has told them calmly explain that it isn't the case. Be plausible and calm. They will believe you if you aren't ranting!

Good luck dpat. You have many friends on here that will sit and "listen" whenever you need it x
 

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Oh and believe me, life goes on. You will heal and things will get better.
 

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dpat... I know some of what / how you are feeling and it is obviously a very rough time for you right now. Everyones situation is different but focus on your kids and stay strong mate. They're going to need you more than ever.

Feel free to PM me if it helps mate.
 
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That's appalling, dpat. I'm so sorry for what's happened. I'm single, without kids, so I'm not the best person to give advice.

But the way you feel is something I feel sometimes, and I lost my dad 3 mths ago - my mum is going through sheer hell. I have a brother to halve the load but it's tough.

All I would say is, hang in there. My brother was in the same position as you about 10 years ago - with one difference though, he got custody of the kids. But I'm assuming you have lovely children whom you love and are proud of? Hang on to that is all I can think of. Your self-worth will be through the floor (even though from your post it's plain to see this is unfounded) - but try to concentrate on keeping your relationship with your kids strong. This will support you.

My brother's kids have turned out great, they are absolute gems. He's just started a new relationship with a lovely woman and things are looking good. Try to look at the positives - they'll be there, you need to see them.
 

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Oh mate. This is not good for me to read. :(
You have to be strong for your kids and yourself. Can you not go back home and see you family, irrespective of the costs? :confused:
She will be suffering, albeit in a different way. It does seem a very selfish way of dealing with it and shutting you out of everything. Perhaps she's not the person you thought she was. People do have a habit of changing or hiding things too well - I know from experience.
Please hold it all together D - you're a good guy and will have a hell of a lot to offer someone else. But all in good time. You have to make plans, try and focus and work out finances and start thinking of you and your wellbeing for the moment.
Give me a PM if you need a chat mate :)
 

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Bloody hell mate, I really feel for you :(
When the first Mrs HM told me she didn't love me any more and left me I felt like I had my heart torn out I felt exactly like you do now, I thought I couldn't carry on and wanted to end it all :(

She divorced me on the grounds of mental cruelty and I felt ashamed and guilty even though I'd never been cruel or abusive :(

I found out later she had found somebody else and that is why she wanted rid of me :(

Luckily we had no children :)
You obviously love your children very much so cherish the time you have with them it should be a happy time for all of you when you get to see them.

I got over it by throwing myself into work and keeping busy, I know you have a passion for your work try to make that your focus, every day you get through is a step closer to happiness and normality.

I know on here we can all offer words of encouragment and advice, but I really understand how you feel and trust me, if you can stay strong and positive you will make it through this difficult time.

I'm here if you need to chat just pm me.

Stay safe mate
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Really sorry to hear this. It does sound as if she wanted you to leave her and that's why she was being as nasty. I must admit, I did the same thing.

I hope mediation helps; they can be there with you through every step of the way. It is important to re- establish relations with your in-laws. My ex did exactly the same thing, turning his mother against me. She died last month and I never really got the chance to heal wounds. I have to say, though, the funeral was cathartic and I managed to mend a few bridges. Do you have any in laws that will help you? My brother in law helped me.

In the meantime it will be hard. Just try to keep things as pleasant as possible. Never use the kids, interrogate them or try to turn them. If they come to you with lies their mother has told them calmly explain that it isn't the case. Be plausible and calm. They will believe you if you aren't ranting!

Good luck dpat. You have many friends on here that will sit and "listen" whenever you need it x
PG very brave of you to admit that. I don't know why my wife has acted this way, it just got worse and worse and worse and eventually I had to leave the house. I was sneaking around my own house with my possessions in a bag trying to get a shower or get dressed. She completely shunned me.

To make matters worse we live in the same house as her parents - us on one side them on the other - but of course anything I did/said she ran to Mum and Dad and made the situation worse than it was - I was damned really. When I moved out her parents asked for the keys back straight away, so it seems I was already out for good.

In hindsight it was probably a mistake moving in with the in-laws, but seemed a good solution for us and then when we did it and it was for the right reasons. Things equally complicated on the family and in-law family financial front, I won't say anymore on a public forum.

It just feels my life is out of my hands, my emotions are all over the place and I can't help it - I want still be with my wife even after all that has happened between us.

One of the worst things is how she has made out to her parents and family that I am some kind of weirdo, blamed me for her depression and turning her 'psycho' because of things I did to her during our marriage, some of which I don't deny happened but were forgiven at the time and never reoccurred but are now being twisted to make out I am this horrible, controlling, self-obsessed, arrogant creep. I had always had a fantastic relationship with my Mum-in-law so for her to think of me in this light hurts.

My brother-in-law listened to me one night and was non-judgemental but as soon as I was out the door the situation changed and my name was mud. I have had seen sniping comments on FB from both he and her Mum and yes stupidly I have responded but have stopped this now, it is helping no-one.

All I can do is leave my wife alone, I have told her over and over again that I still love her, am still in love with her and do not want this to happen. I have told her Mum too. Maybe though this is too hard for them to take and it is of course easier to hate me and paint me to be the arch villian. It is unbelievable how someones love can change so quickly into hate. It is almost a knife edge. I am so, so sad, full of regrets, remorseful because I am sure there are things I could have done better in my marriage but surely I am not that bad am I? I have helped bring up two small children who have some of my genes and traits. They are the best children you could ever hope to have, so bright, funny, loving, intelligent and loved by everyone that meets and knows them.

I am lost, completely lost and hurting so much.
 

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Time does heal. At the start feelings are raw all round and you really just need to stay calm and deal with things in that way as they come along. Getting irate or trying to gain sympathy will backfire.

My ex-husband was overjoyed to see me at his mum's funeral, despite the fact that we had a rocky marriage and a not too good post separation period. Our divorce was as ok as these things can be. We hugged many times at the funeral and it was nice to be finally reaccepted into his family, for my children's sake!

Focus on your children, on being a great dad. It will keep you sane.
 

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Very sorry to hear about this Dpat :( Not sure what I can say really but hopefully things will improve for you soon & take care of yourself in the meantime.
 

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You have my sympathy. I went through a similar experience a couple of years ago, with a break up just a few weeks before Xmas. That Xmas was awful. My wife had spent years poisoning my kids' minds against me and when the break up finally occurred they simply believed all the spin that she gave them.

All I can say is that life does improve from that very low point, although it will never be quite the same again because of the involvement of children. Don't allow yourself to be dragged down by Xmas - it's just a couple of days and will soon be gone. Try not to think about it too much. I spent that first Xmas after the break up alone, so I speak from experience.

It's a wonder really that anyone, (especially males), bothers with marriage and children in the first place, given the trauma and pain that a break up causes.
 

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Hello Dpat,

I have no words for the pain you carry.

If, I may,say.
Your many past postings show a decent person.
Which has been blessed with a gift of ,
to wonderfull children,
As a father that lost his daughter, aged 10yrs.
I can but envy you.for you are in a position,
too nurture, educate and watch them grow,

Whilst you say that you are lost,
My friend, you have the compass with which too
plot your course.
The compass being your children,who by the nature of youth
are stronger than we give them credit for.
Draw on their innoccence and strength.
plot your route/future,
And use your love of your children too
fuel you thru,the passage ahead.

Please forgive me if I have sounded harsh
or even a little simplistic.

I have written this from my heart
which has felt your pain.

May your hidden strenghth aid you.

John.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Time does heal. At the start feelings are raw all round and you really just need to stay calm and deal with things in that way as they come along. Getting irate or trying to gain sympathy will backfire.

My ex-husband was overjoyed to see me at his mum's funeral, despite the fact that we had a rocky marriage and a not too good post separation period. Our divorce was as ok as these things can be. We hugged many times at the funeral and it was nice to be finally reaccepted into his family, for my children's sake!

Focus on your children, on being a great dad. It will keep you sane.
Thanks again PG - and to everyone else who has posted. It is very difficult to remain calm at times but I know I must as otherwise the situation worsens, especially difficult when what is being said is not the complete truth and has been twisted.

Whatever happens, we will always have a link because of our children and there will be times we will have to be together so I know trying to have a relationship of sorts with my wife will make things easier on them. I can only try and be the best Dad I can be (although when even that is questioned it makes life very hard). I know I am a good Dad, my children and the way they are a proof of that so yes I know I must continue exactly as before except under different circumstances.

I can only hope that maybe my wife might change her mind, but that relies I know also on giving her space and time and not trying to force the issue although this is the natural way to do things. She knows how I feel, she knows this is not what I want to happen but issues may come to a head once the mediation process begins :(
 

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Fella, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this,
especially at this time of year. I have been through it twice
now and feel for you.

You will get loads of advice but it will take a while to get to
a point where you can smile about this. None of us can make
that happen quickly for you but what we can do is reassure
you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you
can't see it right now.

Feel free to talk to us, either on here or behind the scenes.
You are a valued member of this community and, as you can
tell from all the responses so far, we all wish you well and
will do whatever we can to help you through this difficult
time. Don't dissappear up your own arris, mate. It's not
nice up there !!!!

Doubtless there are members of the forum who live in your
area and would be only too glad to take you out for a chat,
a beer, a meal, anything to help you get some normality
back into your life.

You need to get back to being you as much as you can for
your children. What they need most right now is the nearest
you can give them to stability. Their own reserves will help
them deal with a lot of it but they need to know that you
are there for them. And as has been said already avoid the
temptation to try and instill your feelings into their heads.

Although it may not feel like it at times, you really are not
on your own. Glad you felt you could tell us, now let us do
what we can to help :thumbs:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
It's a wonder really that anyone, (especially males), bothers with marriage and children in the first place, given the trauma and pain that a break up causes.
I have thought the same thing - you love your children but then you hear them being told things they really do not need to hear :( and you just have to hope that they won't listen to it and make their own minds up when they are older.

Hello Dpat,

I have no words for the pain you carry.

If, I may,say.
Your many past postings show a decent person.
Which has been blessed with a gift of ,
to wonderfull children,
As a father that lost his daughter, aged 10yrs.
I can but envy you.for you are in a position,
too nurture, educate and watch them grow,

Whilst you say that you are lost,
My friend, you have the compass with which too
plot your course.
The compass being your children,who by the nature of youth
are stronger than we give them credit for.
Draw on their innoccence and strength.
plot your route/future,
And use your love of your children too
fuel you thru,the passage ahead.

Please forgive me if I have sounded harsh
or even a little simplistic.

I have written this from my heart
which has felt your pain.

May your hidden strenghth aid you.

John.
John, your post was not harsh at all - it has given me some perspective however. I am sorry for your loss. To carry that with you must be difficult and you must have huge strength and courage to do so.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Fella, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this,
especially at this time of year. I have been through it twice
now and feel for you.

You will get loads of advice but it will take a while to get to
a point where you can smile about this. None of us can make
that happen quickly for you but what we can do is reassure
you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel even if you
can't see it right now.

Feel free to talk to us, either on here or behind the scenes.
You are a valued member of this community and, as you can
tell from all the responses so far, we all wish you well and
will do whatever we can to help you through this difficult
time. Don't dissappear up your own arris, mate. It's not
nice up there !!!!

Doubtless there are members of the forum who live in your
area and would be only too glad to take you out for a chat,
a beer, a meal, anything to help you get some normality
back into your life.

You need to get back to being you as much as you can for
your children. What they need most right now is the nearest
you can give them to stability. Their own reserves will help
them deal with a lot of it but they need to know that you
are there for them. And as has been said already avoid the
temptation to try and instill your feelings into their heads.

Although it may not feel like it at times, you really are not
on your own. Glad you felt you could tell us, now let us do
what we can to help :thumbs:
Thank you Gibbo, you are a kind and decent person and one who has seen a lot of what I have gone through here on AO. A shame we have never met but stranger things have happened :)

Dare I show up to an AO meet in a Golf however:confused: :(:tut:
 
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