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Discussion Starter #1
On Xmas day when the afternoon is getting on, after a few too many drinks my elder brother always has the gut to say that all my cars are death-traps. Its invariably after the Xmas meal and after too much rich food and alcohol.
I think he thinks it will start a new topic or something - which it does - without me !
I do like driving old classics, and they're in far better condition and well upkept than many other cars on the road - like many of your Alfas I suppose.

Its an unfortunate set of circumstances, but in short he's been driving cheap wrecks of cars for lack of financing for the past 10 years. His current car has a crack three quarters way across the windscreen, bald tyres, a non existant exhaust pipe, its taxed and insured but not 'de-polluted' and thats only whats visible/audible - and yet he drives his children around in it like a rally driver...

I can handle that, only NOT this time.

Two weeks ago I drove 60 miles there and back on a freezing friday night when I had better things to do to 'lend' him GBP 100 'coz ..."I don't understand, my card isn't working at the ATM again and its friday night the Banks are shut and I have the kids this week-end etc etc."
I'm not exactly rolling in it either after a tough year and a half but the stiff neck on this guy is incredible.
Needless to say that I didn't get my money back, which I was promised for Xmas... and only just refrained from asking him if he was ever planning on giving any of it back in anycase. I know he'll never be able to afford to and didn't want to start an argument.

He almost manages to turn the situation around and make YOU feel guilty for not lending him money more often!!! Over the years it adds upto a few thousand :wow: I really don't mind it, if I can afford it and its mostly for the kids, but yesterday he managed to put a full stop to that tap.
Came to pick me up in his wreck in the morning because it was on his way to pick the children up and then drove off in the evening drunk (with the kids - no stopping him) leaving me stranded in the countryside on foot - it was a 20 minute ride in the wrong direction he told me on the phone this morning...
At one point he was so far drunk that he blurted out that I would buy him a new car in anycase as soon as his current one blows???? VERY wishful thinking.
My sister drove me home later on.
Not the most successful of Xmas meals allthough we all enjoyed it.
I feel sorry for the guy getting on a bit and not having any spare money whatsoever to even go out for a meal (He does, but this then means that other bills won't be paid on time which of course doesn't bother him in the least) but he only brought this situation onto himself in the first place!
Pity not to want to help someone in the need anymore and best to stop when his children are now old enough and seem to be catching onto the fact that they can call their Uncle if they ever need some free cash.
He's not always like this and has tried to pull his act together (albeit forced by me) but doesn't have the patience to see it through.
Revolving credits, living 'the life' for several years and not paying tax etc its a terrible thing. even moreso when its somebody close.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Happily though, you can choose how to help them.
Food on the table to feed his kids on a week-end if he needs it and they're welcome round my place anytime.
The money tap has run to an end.
I didn't buy myself a nice jacket for Xmas because of the money I 'lent' him...
 
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Hi A-B,
I've not fully thought this through but my first instinct is to agree with you that the best way of helping him would indeed be to cut off the cash for now. At the moment you are stopping him from reaching rock bottom and that may be a necessary place for him to visit before he can change his ways. Hope you are feeling strong because it sounds like you will need to be in the coming year. All the best.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks for that Rewe6a. Makes it easier to bear when somebody says they think they understand.
Its not often I get angry and don't mind helping out when I can.
I do however mind when it becomes a natural thing to ask for if you see what I mean? You should have seen his head drop when I said that I'd just put down a guarantee for an appartment for my wee sister..... It obviously upset his plans about asking me to finance new wheels for a bit! but for how long ? He knows I've just sold a car
and has managed to turn everybody against himself over the past years when it comes to money. It almost makes me feel bad about buying myself a replacement car.
 

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Hello Alfablack,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having troubles.

My gut feel is that some tough love is needed. Your brother is responsible for fixing his situation, and not you. He needs to acknowledge his responsibilities, and not pass his 'woe pity me' troubles on to your plate. I wouldn't hesitate to help my family if they got into a pickle, but I'd start asking questions about my responsibility to them if I suspected they were taking the mick just because they could.

It might also be the case that your brother is a little jealous of what you have/have achieved, and this manifests itself in him looking to guilt-trip you into bailing him out of his self-made mess. Remember too that his children are primarily his responsibility, and while you're happy to help them as and when, he should be the one the instigates the change needed to ensure neither he, nor they, need to see you as the first line of support.

Your bro needs to wake up, and you need to cut the financial support line if you think he sees you as an easy target. In life, I have found that it's really important to disable certain switches; I have done this with some people, and I'm no longer troubled by them or the mess they created that they refuse to take responsibility for.

You're a good man to help how you have so far. Now it's time to say enough.
 
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