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I’ve just seen an advert for glass coffins. Not sure it will catch on, remains to be seen.
 

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Two scientists were discussing new laboratory procedures. One said “For our more dangerous experiments we’re now using lawyers”. “Lawyers?” asks his colleague “why aren’t you using rats?”. “Well you know how it is” said the first scientist “you can get attached to rats....”
 

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Two for the price of one...


How do you know if a light bulb is pregnant?...........It doesn't come on!

About a month before my Granddad died we covered his back in grease.......he went downhill fast after that!
 

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I’m giving away some dead batteries if anyone wants them... they’re free of charge.
 

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People say I’m a bad person.




I think that they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
 

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I went to the zoo today and they had a white sliced loaf in one of the cages... it was bread in captivity.
 

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I couldn’t believe it when this vegan activist got in my face yesterday and started waving a flyer at me. She kept going on about “All these cows and their flatulence are destroying the ozone layer”, and then she finally glared right at me and said
“and what are YOU doing about it?”




I replied quietly......”I’m eating the cows”.
 

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A group of Martians land on Earth and have a chat with the Pope.
“So” asks the Pope “have you guys heard about Jesus?”
“Yes” says the Martians “he pops in to see us every few years”
“He hasn’t been here for 2,000 years” mutters the Pope. Why does he come to see you so often?”
“We think it’s the chocolate” say the Martians
“The chocolate? asks the Pope
“Yes” say the Martians “every time Jesus is about to leave we give him a present of the finest chocolates on Mars to remember us by. Why? What did you guys do for him the last time he visited Earth?.....”
 

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I’ve decided to rationalise my business.
I’m combining my acupuncture clinic with my hedgehog petting zoo.
 

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If Madness had come from Liverpool, would the song have been “I like driving in your car....”?
 
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