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My wife announced that she's leaving me because she says I don't understand irony. Ironically, we were on the bus at the time.
 

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Last night the neighbours dog did a poo on our garden, so the wife suggested I get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I am not sure what that has solved, we now have poo over our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.
 

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My cannibal friends invited me round for dinner but when I arrived late, they gave me the cold shoulder.
 

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Not strictly a one liner - unless I remove the carriage returns:

Interviewer : How do you explain this four year gap on your resume?
Me : That's when I went to Yale
Interviewer : That's impressive, you're hired!!
Me : Thanks, I really need this Yob
 

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"The raffle prizes? Well, the Swiss Embassy have very kindly donated one of their flags. That's a big plus."
 

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I nearly got knocked off my bike by one of them council lorries that treat the roads in cold weather... “you idiot” I shouted through gritted teeth.
 

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A blonde was sitting on a train reading the newspaper. The headline read ’12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed”.
She shook her head at the tragic news then turned to the man sitting next to her and asked “Exactly how many IS a Brazilian.....?”
 

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It’s been raining for days now and my wife seems very depressed by it....she keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues I’m going to have to let her in.
 

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The other day a Madman escaped from the local asylum. He ran to the laundrette where he sexually assaulted two of the staff and then he simply legged it.

The newspaper headline the next day "Nut screws washers and bolts."
 
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