Alfa Romeo Forum banner

1 - 20 of 292 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,255 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
There used to be lots of good jokes on AO so here are some of the best one-liners ever (according to the BBC).

One or two are quite droll...



Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,179 Posts
And a few from the Edinburgh Fringe:

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)

“You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.” Alex Kealy (2016)

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37,193 Posts
I have just seen written on the side of a van "Tyres fitted on the move". I can't think of a more pointless, complicated and dangerous profession.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,907 Posts
A man walks into a hospital in Edinburgh. Everybody is walking round shouting odd things like:

For a’ that, an’ a’ that,
It’s coming yet for a’ that,
That Man to Man,
the world o’er,
Shall brothers be for a’ that.

He asked reception if he was in the psychiatric clinic and was told no he was in the burns unit.
 
1 - 20 of 292 Posts
Top