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Discussion Starter #1
Well these provided me with some amusement anyway :)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Stud Tires Out

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops off Shelf

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

Deer Kill 17,000

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
 

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plenty time on yer hands?? :D :D :D :D

nice tho...

'Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over'

is this legal?? eek!

J
 

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Women's Embarrassing Moments....

Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He
came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my
reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

Lady Golfer
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who
works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Nuts about You
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at
your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her
that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the Principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigation only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your
mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

On the radio just now.
The girl and her mother went to the barber shop. The mother sat down to get her hair cut and the girl was standing very close, busy eating a "twinky".
The barber look at her and said, "You are going to get hair on your twinky."
And she answers, "Yes, and I'm going to get **** too!"

:D :D :D :D :D

J
 

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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would
Be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and would probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
"Happy Birthday." Anyway,
I thought,"well, that's wives for you, the
Children will remember!"
The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a
word! When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss,
Happy Birthday." I felt a little remembered...
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day,
we don't need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss,
If you don't mind, I think
I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something
more comfortable.
Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes
she came out carrying a big birthday cake,
followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing

Happy Birthday.................

and there I sat on the couch

......... "completely".......NAKED

----------------------------------------

eek!

hehehe

J
 
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