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Discussion Starter #1
Just received these little gems in an email, apologies if it's been posted before.......

Letters to Viz magazine


Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

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What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

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Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P
Boddington, Ringway

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I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

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WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?
Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an
end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

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Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue
serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.

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Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

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How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one
law for the rich and another for the poor

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They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky
TV in my local.

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If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received
some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

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In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose
Capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin),
Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia(Belgrade). China
changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy.
One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.

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These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you
down

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We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in
London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply
with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war
immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to
France , then North Africa ,Italy , France (again) and finally
Germany . The shame will always be with us.

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Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a
hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers
for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

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I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding
up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

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Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand
Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and
dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she
went out with Stan Collymore.

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So Sting is able to [email protected] his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

.

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds
in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the
other one?


:) :lol:
 

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They're all good! Liked the "McDonald's" one... :thumbs:
 

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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
 
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Good ones Gil, I like this one too -

"Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees."
 

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I like the top tips. I'll never forget 'Put vinegar on soil to make it last longer'. I can't think why because it's never worked for me. :confused:
 

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Classics :thumbs::lol:
 

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In order to look more intellectual place a hot teaspoon to either side of the bridge of your nose......... hey presto you now look like you've just taken your reading spectacles off!
 

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Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
 
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