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Way Off Topic Topics in here are quite off topic but do stay within the rules...

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(Post Link) post #1 of 33 Old 3 Weeks Ago Thread Starter
Status: Life is good atm. I do not take that for granted.
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Elderly Parent.

Firstly please accept my apologies for this post but I need to just share and here is as good a place as any - it couldn't be any more way off topic.

I have posted many times before mentioning that LizR and I are the carers for her 93 year old mother.

For the last six weeks she has stopped eating and lost a stone in weight. We have tried encouragement. We have obtained total nutrition drinks but she will not drink them.

We keep her hydrated but it is a bit of an effort making sure water goes down.

In herself she is "ok" mentally, not demented - she knows what she is doing.

We have friends (we are of an age) who have/are going through similar - one of them is damping the lips of his mother and death is days away. This would appear to be our future.

Blimey - I sound self pitying and that is not my intention but whereas these thoughts are in my head it helps to just see them in print and thus confront the reality of it.

Sorry - logically I have no problem with it - emotionally it sometimes kicks in - particularly whilst supporting Liz who is coping so well with the reality of her mother's decline.

I am hesitating to post this - we are a car site after all - but hey what the hell - I have been here long enough to know that many of you will not find it odd.

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(Post Link) post #2 of 33 Old 3 Weeks Ago
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It's good to talk about this stuff, even if it's virtual talk. Everyone's experiences are different, and everyone deals with things in different ways. I think anything that helps deal with it is worth doing.

If you don't mind me asking, are your parents still with us?
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Originally Posted by keithyboy View Post
It's good to talk about this stuff, even if it's virtual talk. Everyone's experiences are different, and everyone deals with things in different ways. I think anything that helps deal with it is worth doing.

If you don't mind me asking, are your parents still with us?
No problem with your question.

My father died in 1965 when I was 13.

My mother died at age 94 in 2015. She went the same way - stopped eating and was admitted to hospital from her care home. She got an infection there and died. It was a relief tbh and I was glad for her. My relationship with her was from a 100 mile distance and that made it easier. My input was purely administrative- finance, arranging care, social services etc with fortnightly visits before she went into the care home.

My MIL lives with us - OUR CHOICE - and it is different. We see her decline on a daily basis and help her physically. Don't get me wrong - she has an occasional prolapse problem which means that I have had to be totally "there" so physical contact is not a problem - no barriers we just get on with what needs to be done.

No - I guess I can just see the end approaching and it'll take a day or so before my brain accepts that we have gone down a level.
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Horrible thing to be going through Paul and boy do I fear this with my own parents.
You with both, I'm sure, support each other throughout this time but don't be afraid to get any help available with final care. You don't have to take this on yourselves.
All the best.
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Horrible thing to be going through Paul and boy do I fear this with my own parents.
You with both, I'm sure, support each other throughout this time but don't be afraid to get any help available with final care. You don't have to take this on yourselves.
All the best.
Thanks Harvo.

We are in touch with the community health care team - and they are great.

We have had doctors doing home visits - yes they still do!

We know that we will have support in the final days.

I guess I am just coming to terms with the reality of the situation - as I say logic and emotion are not always in sync!
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I really don't know how I'd cope with that. I guess no-one does until it happens.

Thinking of you and your family Paul.
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The very fact that she is with you and her daughter in her "final phase" will be, at some level I'm sure, of great comfort to her.

The sad thing about death (and there - I said the word) is that it is happening every minute of every day, and yet we all still feel so very uncomfortable with the presence of it when it is within our own bubbles.

You can only do what you have been doing which is to be supportive and offer her the dignity and respect that is appropriate.

You two need to take care of yourselves too. I went through it with my dad in 2017 and it can be physically and mentally very draining and you need to be careful.

All the best. I hope your wife can take the time to remember her mum as the once vibrant individual she no doubt once was - and not what this last period will have reduced her to.
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I really don't know how I'd cope with that. I guess no-one does until it happens.

Thinking of you and your family Paul.
Thanks bazza your thoughts are appreciated.

We always knew this would happen - we signed up for it (built onto her house) 10 years beforehand knowing what to eventually expect.

She has gone through a series of declines - stopped driving, stopped going to church (a big thing for her - not us as non believers), stopped painting - she was an artist, stopped reading.

At each stage I accepted it - no big deal just the natural decline. The latest, not eating, has made me realise - ok this is it - as I say logic and emotion have met and in a few hours I will accept the reality as just the next phase.

I hadn't realised that, like the other phases, I couldn't just instantly recognise the logical progression - but I will!
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This being a grown up lark is rubbish at times but you had that to deal with before you even were grown up.

It's hard to know what to say as you know what's happening and nobody can make it better.

She's getting the best care she possibly could because it's out of love. That must be a comfort for her and for you.
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Originally Posted by FredDibnah View Post
The sad thing about death (and there - I said the word) is that it is happening every minute of every day, and yet we all still feel so very uncomfortable with the presence of it when it is within our own bubbles.
I have no problem with death.

We are all in a queue - my MIL is almost at the head of it - it'll be my turn soon enough!
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Don’t forget to take care of yourselves during the caring for others.
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Look on the bright side - she knows she is done, that’s why she has stopped eating. Far better to be that way than the ghastly half-life that some people’s bodies are put through because they’re not sufficiently there to know it is over.

A good friend of mine did the same thing age 62 - he had cancer, and the prognosis was a fairly painful 6 months. About a month in he said “**** it, this is not enjoyable any more” and just shut down. He was gone in a week, which was awful, but it was on his terms. Stubborn old bugger.
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Don’t forget to take care of yourselves during the caring for others.
A good point.

We are there for each other - it would be so hard if either were alone.

We also have full family - children (all heading for middle age) support. We all talk about such stuff.

So all as good as it can be
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Sorry about Liz's mom, so hard to see it all firsthand. Take care of each other, you've done a wonderful thing keeping her at home.
My grandma went at 95 and she was ready. Mom took care of her as long as she could and then grandma went into a home. She never lost a braincell and would tell you to 'just take me out behind the barn and shoot me'. Pneumonia got her in the end.
Mom took care of dad till the end as well, he was 90 and didn't want to go. Unfortunately he had prostrate cancer...then bone cancer.
My mom lives with Brent and I, she's 85 and getting on a plane to Ottawa early in the morning. No stopping my mom
I know one day we will face the same situation, not looking forward to it.
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My dad once told me - eye to eye, and very seriously (after telling me I was the executor of the will) - that'd I'd never have to tend to his personal needs in old age. He put it as "wipe my arse". The clear message was he would be prepared to take matters into his own hands.

Twenty years on, and a knee replacement, followed by an injury to his good knee, meant he was immobile. I didn't quite have to go there, but it was in that space. He looked at me, squarely, and thanked me, while apologising.

Time takes us to different places and makes us into different things, I suppose.

Paul - all best wishes, and thank you for raising this.
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Hi Paul

I can only echo the sentiments of the above posts.

Losing my father to cancer last year made me focus on things I'd never wanted to think about.

But do take care of yourself too and your wife. It's only recently I've realised what a wreck I'd been.

Julian
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It felt wrong to click the 'Like' link on your opening post somehow but then here I am and I don't know what to write other than that my thoughts are with you lot.
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Sorry to hear this Paul.

As long as she is in a [obviously] loving environment, and being cared for, then there's nothing more you can do, other than come to terms with her wishes.

It's heart-breaking this "life" stuff.

You have genuine sympathy from me, fella.
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It sounds as though she accepts the situation and is ready to go. (My own father reached the same position). As others have said, being in a loving environment counts for so much. You spoke of being emotional, Paul, and that's as it should be. It sounds as though you and your wife really have contributed hugely to your mother-in-law's life.
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Paul

You and Liz are doing a brilliant job...you can do no more.
Hope everything turns out for the best.
Life will run it's course.



Ronan
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(Post Link) post #21 of 33 Old 3 Weeks Ago Thread Starter
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Thank you everyone.

I hesitated before posting but then I thought - f*** it as it is a subject worth addressing. The consumption of wine helped me decide I must admit. But in the sober light of day I have no issue with my decision.

But - once again - thank you so much everyone for your support. It means a lot.

Last edited by PaulR; 3 Weeks Ago at 18:32.
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I think it's good to talk about this stuff. I can't imagine what you must be experiencing. My dad died in his sleep some time after returning from the ale house. He wasn't in the best of health but he was getting by. My mum survived cancer and removal of a kidney. 2 years later she got a blood clot on her lung. She looked like beating it but developed pneumonia then the infection got into her bloodstream. Her decline was fairly rapid so there wasn't really time to think about it.

However it happens, it knocks you for six.

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Thinking of you Paul.

I too clicked like earlier today and was going to type a reply but I was at work and someone decided to bring me something to do...
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Originally Posted by keithyboy View Post
I think it's good to talk about this stuff. I can't imagine what you must be experiencing. My dad died in his sleep some time after returning from the ale house. He wasn't in the best of health but he was getting by. My mum survived cancer and removal of a kidney. 2 years later she got a blood clot on her lung. She looked like beating it but developed pneumonia then the infection got into her bloodstream. Her decline was fairly rapid so there wasn't really time to think about it.

However it happens, it knocks you for six.
We all post on here on various topics and it is just fun. I guess it is a chance to appear "normal" when there is stuff affecting us.

What the rest of us don't know is what is going on in the background - I had no idea keithyboy so thank you for telling it like it is.

Just my turn I guess.
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We all post on here on various topics and it is just fun. I guess it is a chance to appear "normal" when there is stuff affecting us.

What the rest of us don't know is what is going on in the background - I had no idea keithyboy so thank you for telling it like it is.

Just my turn I guess.
We're all here when you need to talk and let off steam.
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