One-liners - Alfa Romeo Forum
You are currently unregistered, register for more features.    
Way Off Topic Topics in here are quite off topic but do stay within the rules...

 150Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools
(Post Link) post #1 of 180 Old 25-11-17 Thread Starter
Status: Six parts gin to one part Vermouth
AO Silver Member
 
Clovis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: United Kingdom
County: Bristol
Posts: 1,255

Member car:

GT JTS

One-liners

There used to be lots of good jokes on AO so here are some of the best one-liners ever (according to the BBC).

One or two are quite droll...



Tim Vine – “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes”

Joan Rivers – “All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.”

Woody Allen – “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go it’s pretty damn good.”

Ken Dodd – “I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.”

Bob Monkhouse – “I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.”

Jo Brand – "The way to a man's heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife."

Milton Jones – “I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.”

Ross Noble – “How come Miss Universe is only ever won by people from Earth?”

Jimmy Carr – “A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘Alright, but we won’t get much done.”

Sarah Millican – "I saw a pair of knickers today – on the front it said, 'I would do anything for love' and on the back it said 'but I won't do that.'"

Tommy Cooper – "Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."

Jack Whitehall – “I'm sure wherever my father is, he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
Pud237, Sterzo and Harvo like this.

Weltschmerz
Clovis is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Keithy is offline  
Status: Dreaming
AO Silver Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Orpington, Kent
Posts: 1,855

Member car:

Giulietta 150MA

And a few from the Edinburgh Fringe:

“If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.” Ian Smith (2015)

“You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words.” Alex Kealy (2016)

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.” Sara Pascoe (2014)
Sterzo is offline  
Status: -
AO Member
 
Ian M's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: United Kingdom
County: Somerset
Posts: 953
My wife says I have 2 faults
I don’t listen and something else
Harvo likes this.
Ian M is offline  
Status: Life is good atm. I do not take that for granted.
Global Mod Team
 
PaulR's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: United Kingdom
County: Suffolk
Posts: 22,872
Milton Jones - "Here is a recipe anyone can make - you can't Beatrice.........sorry, you can't beat rice."
PaulR is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
My dyslexia has reached a new owl
symon, FredDibnah, Harvo and 2 others like this.
Keithy is offline  
Status: -
AO Gold Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: United Kingdom
County: Derbyshire
Posts: 6,469
There's one thing I don't like about Halloween, which is. . .

Edit: acknowledgement to Gary Delaney.

Last edited by Dave Brand; 23-01-18 at 07:11.
Dave Brand is offline  
Status: zzzzzzzz
AO Platinum Member
 
symon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: United Kingdom
County: Oxfordshire
Posts: 36,798
I have just seen written on the side of a van "Tyres fitted on the move". I can't think of a more pointless, complicated and dangerous profession.
symon is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today, should have cooked it on aloha setting
Keithy is offline  
Status: Comfortably numb
AO Silver Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: United Kingdom
County: Dorset
Posts: 3,881

Member car:

147 1.6 Sport

What do you call two rows of brassicas?


A dual cabbageway
Poolegan is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet, because they Lactose.
Keithy is offline  
Status: Thinking about a Scirrocco
AO Platinum Member
 
Starkers's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Brighton.
County: Good old Sussex by the sea
Posts: 12,695

Member car:

The train :(

Does Sean Connery like herbs?


Yes, but only partially.
celadon, Keithy and stan laurel like this.
Starkers is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
At Twycross today I saw a baguette in a cage, apparently it was bread in captivity.
Keithy is offline  
Status: Chip balancer
AO Silver Member
 
Brooking10's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
County: Northants
Posts: 1,060
Garage
My wife asked me for an innuendo, so I gave her one.
Brooking10 is offline  
Status: -
AO Gold Member
 
chrishendrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: United Kingdom
County: Greater London
Posts: 10,726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brooking10 View Post
My wife asked me for an innuendo, so I gave her one.
Variation on a theme:

A woman walked into a bar an asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
chrishendrix is online now  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
Because my chameleon can’t change colour I took him to the vet, bad news, it’s a reptile dysfunction
symon and TheGrimJeeper like this.
Keithy is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
A centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five beers please!"
Keithy is offline  
Status: Comfortably numb
AO Silver Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: United Kingdom
County: Dorset
Posts: 3,881

Member car:

147 1.6 Sport

A man walks into a hospital in Edinburgh. Everybody is walking round shouting odd things like:

For a that, an a that,
Its coming yet for a that,
That Man to Man,
the world oer,
Shall brothers be for a that.

He asked reception if he was in the psychiatric clinic and was told no he was in the burns unit.
Poolegan is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
Pubs, the official sunblock of Ireland.
TheGrimJeeper likes this.
Keithy is offline  
Status: zzzzzzzz
AO Platinum Member
 
symon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: United Kingdom
County: Oxfordshire
Posts: 36,798
A dyslexic suicide bomber arrived in heaven to be greeted by 72 Vegans.
symon is offline  
Status: Back to chilling out
AO Member
 
TI-ger boz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: United Kingdom
County: North Yorkshire
Posts: 294

Member car:

Giulietta 1.4MA

I'm writing this from hospital, the Dyson ball cleaner is a misleading description.
anglospider likes this.
TI-ger boz is offline  
Status: Waiting for spring
AO Member
 
Navlet's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
County: Notts-
Posts: 146
Garage
Quote:
Originally Posted by TI-ger boz View Post
I'm writing this from hospital, the Dyson ball cleaner is a misleading description.
Man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre....
So the barman gave him one.

Tommy Cooper
Navlet is offline  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
RIP my mate Brian, eaten by a dyslexic zombie.
chrishendrix likes this.
Keithy is offline  
Status: -
AO Gold Member
 
chrishendrix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: United Kingdom
County: Greater London
Posts: 10,726
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keithy View Post
RIP my mate Brian, eaten by a dyslexic zombie.
PIR my dyslexic mate Brian, bitten by a vampire when his automatic security light failed.
TheGrimJeeper likes this.
chrishendrix is online now  
Status: Bye Daffy Cat
AO Platinum Member
 
Keithy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: United Kingdom
County: Shropshire
Posts: 37,189
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrishendrix View Post
PIR my dyslexic mate Brian, bitten by a vampire when his automatic security light failed.
Keithy is offline  
Reply

Go Back   Alfa Romeo Forum > Misc Lounges > Community Discussions > Way Off Topic

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome