Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting
If we're having a general rant, here's a blog I originally posted on my Myspace page last year:
People who wear those HUGE sunglasses - You look like a fly, and fly's eat their own vomit and faeces. Not a good look.
Financial Advisors - If I ever cross paths with the bloke who recommened us our first mortgage, I'm going to rip off his head, and s**t down his neck. No mercy.
Those who wake me up on a sunday morning - With a friendly tappy tap tap on my door, and proceed to talk to me about the saviour, Jesus Christ. If I want saving, I'll ask a f*****g lifeguard.
Bad Tribute Bands - Yes Mentallica, I'm talking about YOU
Gavin Henson - Don't get me started.
Those who joke to me about the railways - 'Nice to see you're on time' or 'Late eh? What was it? Leaves on the line? Wrong type of snow? eh, eh?' I've heard EVERY single one of them, and they're not funny. And I could spend time explaining to you in depth the effect of precipitation and local climate issues on the railway, but we'd both end up very bored and irritated by the end. So instead I'll just grin inanely and call you a t**t under my breath.
People who talk about their new mobile phone too much - It's. Just. A. Phone. Can you call people on it? Yep? Then I don't care what the ****** else it does.
People who stumble around the London Underground network - With their little handy map clenched in their fist, staring intently at the HUGE maps on the wall, asking all and sundry what line they need to get on to go to High St Kensington, and then when you've finished telling them, they look blankly at you, before returning to the map and then asking someone else. Ignorant f*****s. I hope you spend all day on the circle line.
Mrs Tickly Cough - Sitting next to me on the train home from work. 'ahugh' she coughs softly 'ahugh' gently, gently, she does it again. Then I return to reading my book 'ahugh' she carries on, 'ahugh' DON'T P**S ABOUT, JUST F*****G COUGH, WOMAN! Have one big cough, clear the s****y phlegm from your throat and let us all get on with our books/conversations/laptop work. Not one of us can concentrate with the irritating intrusion of your soft 'ahugh' every 20 seconds between Fenchurch St and Upminster. In fact, the next one of you annoying cows that does it is gonna get an unrequested Bismarcking. And I won't care if there are people watching, you'll deserve it. (look up Bismarck at the urban dictionary if you're not sure, you sweet, innocent person, you)
Twins - Not the terrible Swarzenegger movie, nor the cute little baby twins dressed in identical romper suits. Nope, I mean the grown up, middle aged adult twins, who STILL dress identically. Stop it, you're really freaking me out.
Scooter gangs - With their little hairdryers buzzing around like a swarm of wasps everywhere I go. And those engines are SO irritating. They sound like a dentists drill coming at you from 'round the corner. Damn, my teeth are on edge just thinking about it.
Bands - Who tell us 'We're just going in a new direction' following the release of a particularly c**p album. It's not a new direction fella's, it's just a pile of s***e. And worse than that are the fans who insist that the album isn't c**p, it's actually really clever, and very few people 'get it' Nope, it's just a s**t album, and you're too ashamed to admit you spent £15 on a s**t album. It's ok guys, we've all done it. I bought Pantera's 'Reinventing The Steel' and I don't mind admitting it.
Sequels - That ruin ENTIRE previously enjoyable movie franchises. Alien Resurrection, Nightmare on Elm Street 5, Terminator 3, Robocop 3, Land of the Dead. Need I go on? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be adding Die Hard 4 to that list too, but I'll wait and see.
Chelsea - C'mon, no need to explain myself with THAT one.
Couples who are 'too in love' - You know, the ones who are hanging off each other on the train, at the cinema, in the resteraunt, walking down the street, in the corner shop, walking the dog, at the swimming pool, on the aeroplane. Can't you leave each other alone for 2 minutes? Please? If you carry on, I'm going to break you apart, gouge out one of your eyeballs and skull-****** you. It's ok though, because I know (as we all know, deep inside) that life will ultimately beat that lovey dovey s**t out of them. And they'll end up hating each other. Possibly to the point of homicide. I live in hope.
People who wear too much 'Guiness' clothing - Perhaps it's because I don't like the stuff that I can't see the great thing about advertising that you drink what is essentially a 3 course meal's worth of calories in every pint, and forcing your liver to shout 'YOU C**T' over and over at your brain, every Friday night. And the clothes have that 'I'm middle aged, and proud of it' kinda vibe. Kinda like buying a Saab, or wearing a brimmed hat. Not cool.
Old aged men - Who remove their shirts in the summer, revealing those little flabby man boobs. Is there anything more hideous?
Flat chested girls in bikinis - Ok this is not so much of a 'pet hate', just a minor irritation. I just don't see the point. Is that sexist?
The Global Warming Denier - Who told me his theories as he sat on the train, and then looked up from reading 'The Sun'. So let me get this right, every prominant scientist in the world is agreed on this, every piece of evidence suggests that climate change is occuring, and mankind may well have something to do with it's accelleration, every study into climate change has come up showing nigh perfect certaintly that the earths temparature is indeed increasing, and the extremes of weather we are more often facing is as a direct result of this, but none of that matters, because a builder, sat on a train, just looked up from his paper and said 'This is all b******s' Well give that man a Nobel prize, he's obviously THE undiscovered scientific genius of the century. And after giving him his prize, give him a slap. T**t.