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emgee
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Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

1. The little stickers on apples.

These are really irritating. They are only there for the education of till dwellers and the general convenience of the supermarket. They are not there for my benefit at all, except to help me ingest patches of residual glue that a blowtorch would't remove. And the solvents in the glue are active carcinogens.*

2. Hazard flashers

When is the Highway Code going to state the actual, genuine use of these? They need to change from "warn other traffic by using your hazard warning lights if your vehicle is causing an obstruction" to "I'm in the newsagents buying fags, I'll only be a minute, honest*"

3. John Motson

I'm just not buying this schoolboy enthusiasm bllks. The man needs treatment. And he's a really, really crap commentator.

4. The England Band

How wonderful it mustn't be to have the seat next to them.
Can't they really come up with anything better than The Great Escape for 89.5 minutes of every game (oh, and lads - it woz the Amurricuns wot won in that film). Cringeworthy and embarrassing all round. Mind you, there was the seminal moment when Sylvester Stallone picked up the ball and ran with it, inventing a whole new sport.*

5. Customer Service

If you really valued my call you'd have somebody there to answer it, wouldn't you?

Your flight is delayed because the last one it did was delayed. Great, it's late because it's late.

Your train is delayed because of operational difficulties. As above.

We are sorry you found our service worse than eternity stuck in hell with John Motson and the England Band, peeling little stickers that say "Braeburn" off your molars. Here's some free vouchers so you can have more of it. Jeez.


Hellooo customer service people - it's all empty, it's meaningless and its rubbish.

6. LCD TVs.

OK, they take up less space than CRT ones, and I'll grudgingly allow the great big wide ones. But - for smaller ones you usually get a worse picture with LCD (unless you spend a wad), and they take more power than CRT tellies. Why can't I have the choice?


Right. I'm stopping now before I get carried away (literally and metaphorically). I could go one but I've only got 1Gb bandwidth left this month.

*Well, maybe.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

If we're having a general rant, here's a blog I originally posted on my Myspace page last year:

People who wear those HUGE sunglasses - You look like a fly, and fly's eat their own vomit and faeces. Not a good look.

Financial Advisors - If I ever cross paths with the bloke who recommened us our first mortgage, I'm going to rip off his head, and s**t down his neck. No mercy.

Those who wake me up on a sunday morning - With a friendly tappy tap tap on my door, and proceed to talk to me about the saviour, Jesus Christ. If I want saving, I'll ask a f*****g lifeguard.

Bad Tribute Bands - Yes Mentallica, I'm talking about YOU

Gavin Henson - Don't get me started.

Those who joke to me about the railways - 'Nice to see you're on time' or 'Late eh? What was it? Leaves on the line? Wrong type of snow? eh, eh?' I've heard EVERY single one of them, and they're not funny. And I could spend time explaining to you in depth the effect of precipitation and local climate issues on the railway, but we'd both end up very bored and irritated by the end. So instead I'll just grin inanely and call you a t**t under my breath.

People who talk about their new mobile phone too much - It's. Just. A. Phone. Can you call people on it? Yep? Then I don't care what the ****** else it does.

People who stumble around the London Underground network - With their little handy map clenched in their fist, staring intently at the HUGE maps on the wall, asking all and sundry what line they need to get on to go to High St Kensington, and then when you've finished telling them, they look blankly at you, before returning to the map and then asking someone else. Ignorant f*****s. I hope you spend all day on the circle line.

Mrs Tickly Cough - Sitting next to me on the train home from work. 'ahugh' she coughs softly 'ahugh' gently, gently, she does it again. Then I return to reading my book 'ahugh' she carries on, 'ahugh' DON'T P**S ABOUT, JUST F*****G COUGH, WOMAN! Have one big cough, clear the s****y phlegm from your throat and let us all get on with our books/conversations/laptop work. Not one of us can concentrate with the irritating intrusion of your soft 'ahugh' every 20 seconds between Fenchurch St and Upminster. In fact, the next one of you annoying cows that does it is gonna get an unrequested Bismarcking. And I won't care if there are people watching, you'll deserve it. (look up Bismarck at the urban dictionary if you're not sure, you sweet, innocent person, you)

Twins - Not the terrible Swarzenegger movie, nor the cute little baby twins dressed in identical romper suits. Nope, I mean the grown up, middle aged adult twins, who STILL dress identically. Stop it, you're really freaking me out.

Scooter gangs - With their little hairdryers buzzing around like a swarm of wasps everywhere I go. And those engines are SO irritating. They sound like a dentists drill coming at you from 'round the corner. Damn, my teeth are on edge just thinking about it.

Bands - Who tell us 'We're just going in a new direction' following the release of a particularly c**p album. It's not a new direction fella's, it's just a pile of s***e. And worse than that are the fans who insist that the album isn't c**p, it's actually really clever, and very few people 'get it' Nope, it's just a s**t album, and you're too ashamed to admit you spent £15 on a s**t album. It's ok guys, we've all done it. I bought Pantera's 'Reinventing The Steel' and I don't mind admitting it.

Sequels - That ruin ENTIRE previously enjoyable movie franchises. Alien Resurrection, Nightmare on Elm Street 5, Terminator 3, Robocop 3, Land of the Dead. Need I go on? I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be adding Die Hard 4 to that list too, but I'll wait and see.

Chelsea - C'mon, no need to explain myself with THAT one.

Couples who are 'too in love' - You know, the ones who are hanging off each other on the train, at the cinema, in the resteraunt, walking down the street, in the corner shop, walking the dog, at the swimming pool, on the aeroplane. Can't you leave each other alone for 2 minutes? Please? If you carry on, I'm going to break you apart, gouge out one of your eyeballs and skull-****** you. It's ok though, because I know (as we all know, deep inside) that life will ultimately beat that lovey dovey s**t out of them. And they'll end up hating each other. Possibly to the point of homicide. I live in hope.

People who wear too much 'Guiness' clothing - Perhaps it's because I don't like the stuff that I can't see the great thing about advertising that you drink what is essentially a 3 course meal's worth of calories in every pint, and forcing your liver to shout 'YOU C**T' over and over at your brain, every Friday night. And the clothes have that 'I'm middle aged, and proud of it' kinda vibe. Kinda like buying a Saab, or wearing a brimmed hat. Not cool.

Old aged men - Who remove their shirts in the summer, revealing those little flabby man boobs. Is there anything more hideous?

Flat chested girls in bikinis - Ok this is not so much of a 'pet hate', just a minor irritation. I just don't see the point. Is that sexist?

The Global Warming Denier - Who told me his theories as he sat on the train, and then looked up from reading 'The Sun'. So let me get this right, every prominant scientist in the world is agreed on this, every piece of evidence suggests that climate change is occuring, and mankind may well have something to do with it's accelleration, every study into climate change has come up showing nigh perfect certaintly that the earths temparature is indeed increasing, and the extremes of weather we are more often facing is as a direct result of this, but none of that matters, because a builder, sat on a train, just looked up from his paper and said 'This is all b******s' Well give that man a Nobel prize, he's obviously THE undiscovered scientific genius of the century. And after giving him his prize, give him a slap. T**t.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting



I think you may be having to spend too much time on the train chap!
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

ooo i like these threads

baby on board stickers NOBODY GIVES A TOSS, why would anyone care if you have a baby on board? well i was going to crash into you but i wont now cos you have a child on board, to55ers.

people who insist on pulling their carry on baggage behind them on little wheels no matter how crowded the airport is, PICK THEM UP YOU IGNORANT COCKHEADS.

BONO, preachy jumped up up little cockhead, preaches to everyone about the starving millions before jumping in his private jet and swanning off to one of his 10 mansions. oh and stop taking the credit for everything bob geldof does.

people who wear sunglasses indoors, see above.

people who try to speak to me whilst wearing sunglasses, have the common decency to take them off first otherwise im not interested in anything you have to say.

pushchairs, next person who clips the back of my heals with their pushchair will be wearing it.

the phrase 'i fell pregnant' no its not a disease you didnt accidently contract pregnacy whilst walking down the street, you took the concious decision to have unprotected sex and as a consequence got pregnant.

fog light morons- READ THE COCKING HIGHWAY CODE, a bit of wispy mist does not mean you need to light up your car like the blackpool sodding illuminations.

turning right at roundabouts whilst indicting left all the way round the roundabout.

people who dont know what lane markings are for.

people who do 40mph in 60 limits

those stupid superbright headlights on cars

cyclists, buy a car.

4x4 haters

sticky up haircuts on men

beany hats

those mono strap backpack/manbags

pedalpushers
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Sorry, I can't put apple stickers in, they are the highlight of my day, unpeeling the apple sticker and adding another one to the 'collection' on my pen tidy. What would I have to brighten my day if the anticipation of another apple sticker to decorate the pen tidy with.

Plus the polish they put on the apples is probably worse for you than the glue.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dibby View Post
Sorry, I can't put apple stickers in, they are the highlight of my day
You're scaring me now.

and YES - wheely luggage criminals! I especially love how they come to a dead stop right at the start of the first escalator becuase they have to spend about 20 bleedin' minutes tarting about with the handle.

And another thing - the first 40 links on any Google search. If you put "leper's foreskin" in, you'd get reams of "Compare prices on leper's foreskin on Kelkoo" and "Shop for books about about leper's foreskin at Amazon".* The swines just try to con you into clicking their link.


*Er, I haven't actually tried this one, it's more of a thought experiment. I generally stick to "Britney + baked beans".
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

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You're scaring me now.

My job really is that boring, another apple sticker in the collection at lunch time is something to look forward to, it's all down hill after that.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

People in shop queues clutching one item who get to the till, have said item scanned and then look sort of blank when asked to pay - as if to say:-

"Oh you use MONEY on this planet do you? how quaint".

Then they look in every pocket, bag and bodily crevice whilst nodding inanely and saying:-

"Now I know I've got my purse/wallet somewhwere - I had it this morning because I paid my bus fare............... How much was it 20p - hold on let me count it out 5,10, 13 ,17,19 - hang on I must have 1p somewhere else.........."

Grrrrrrrrrr.

Paul.

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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Standing at the cash machine, person in front of me.

Check the balance, stare at screen.

Print the balance, stare at printout.

Withdraw money from account. Count money once in hand.

Check new balance, stare at screen.

Print new balance, stare at printout.

Withdraw card from machine.

Take new card from wallet and insert in machine.

Check the balance, stare at screen.

and on, and on and on and on.....


And they have no idea that I'm standing behind them, visualising their head being rammed violently into said cash machine.......
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Football.





























Why?
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Quote:
Originally Posted by HSTDriver View Post

People who wear those HUGE sunglasses - You look like a fly, and fly's eat their own vomit and faeces. Not a good look.
ha ha ha ha im gonna have to use that line!! LMAO!
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Men who carry purses with their change in it. Grrr
Theres one at work,he brings a little bottle of milk in with 2 marks on it. First mark is for tea at break, second is for his effing muesli and remainder for second cup of tea. He's that tight he squeaks when he walks.Get him in 101

Mind you I get my own back he nearly had siezure when I lobbed my banana away because it had black spots on it.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Guys, guys, push it all up into a big bubble and let it disappear!
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The customer service dept of the 'Virgin Media Group'.

Utterly sh**e in every way.
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Rub your right ear lobe and repeat after me......... "WOOSAAAAH"
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Guys, guys, push it all up into a big bubble and let it disappear!
And optimists.
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

cant believe i missed these 2 off my list.

Carl fogerty wannabees dressed up like power rangers who think the cotswolds on a sunny afternoon is brands hatch.

miguel indurain(sorry about the spelling) wannabees dressed up in all their spandex who think every tiny country road is a special stage on the tour de france and think its a really good idea to cycle 4 or 5 abreast really slowly, then hurl abuse at every car who nearly runs into the back of them, get a life.
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Wow, where do I start?

People who think good resturaunts 'serve really big portions' no, that's **** food served for greedy proles.

People who, when someone mentions you're into wine, say 'I'm in the sunday times wine club'. Of course, your overhyped over priced (but with a fancy) lable claret is exactly the same as a good left bank grand cru; imagine next time you see Michael Schumaker telling him your Alfa is red, afterall Fiat is the 'power' behind both right so you share so much right?

People who walk three abreast on pavements at 1mph. Where is evolution when you need it?

Cvnts in Corsas, 206, Clios etc which loud stereos and **** taste in music, nuff said, can anyone source me some WP grenades?

Pit bull type dogs; great! Why not have your pet maul someones child, afterall I'm sure the carpet of flowers and teddybears would look great outside your council house.

People who don't know the difference between your and you're, their they're etc and anyone over the age of 8 who uses text speak, how can we stop them breeding?

Caravans and the cvnts that drive them. Rent a cottage or stay in a hotel, it's cheaper, better and I don't have to sit behind you while you 'enjoy the drive'. PS it's not against the law to move away from your mobile coffin and actually 'enter' the countryside.

People who assume that because you have a child with you the only thing you want to talk about is children. I've recently started telling people about post mortems when they start on this line of conversation, I can recommend it.

Sainsburys, cvnts, end of debate.

Councils, yes, really! for £140 per month I do expect you to empty my bin, or an I being unreasonable here?
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Posh Spice and Jordan
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

Die Hard 4.0 rocks.

That's my input,
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

a few things, in no real order

BMW drivers, not all, just most, they drive the 'Ultimate Driving machine' and think they are the 'Ultimate Mating Machine'.

blokes who put their car keys and phone on the table to show their status, see above, alright at a swingers party I guess, it a not so subtle look 'what I have achieved' thing, whereas I think if he was a good manager he could leave the office and every thing will run well and would not need to be called.

women who have achieved equal pay status and at the first sign of a crisis at work they have to go home to sort the kids out. Most blokes have kids too. Equal pay means equal responsibility, not allow them to pick and choose.

enthusiastic idiots, bosses go for them to motivate and 'mobilise the workforce' and then **** it up.

most of these phone helplines that are anything but helpful, and on a different continent. Useless most of them.

all these things that are supposed to make life better and invariable make things worse, eg parental control on the internet and it blocks out almost everything including here yet misses out some guy getting a blow job.

energy saving light bulbs that take 5 mins to warm up. see above

people who moan about flat packed furniture. Its clear you did not have an airfix kit when you were young so why do the adult version of it now. Don't be a cheapskate and buy it ready made then, its you that is not up to the job, not the furniture.

Fay Ripley, I could never tire of slapping her.

Women who think they are attractive when they are not. see above.

Dog 5h1t, especially when transfered into my Alfa.

seconded about the 'Baby on Board' sticker, makes no contribution to road safety just says my condom burst.

buses that just pull out instead of blending into a gap in the traffic

and yes, my boss drives a BMW....
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

and pitbulls, ever seen a drug dealer with a poodle, though not.

and women who put their dogs in handbags

fancy dress at work in the name of having fun and Xmas

Christmas full stop, don't mind some of it but it is an opportunity for adults to behave like kids, wear silly hats, get drunk, kop off with Kelly from customer service etc, eat too much etc etc Stupid most of it.
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

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energy saving light bulbs that take 5 mins to warm up. see above
See above...I looked up, and yes, there's one there, right in the middle of the ceiling.

How did you know?

You're one of Them, aren't you? Always watching, watching...
 
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Re: Right then, general Room 101 stylee ranting

as in things that are a step forward, however in reality a step back.

There is talk of stopping the regular bulbs, but they should at least be kept on for the light you put on first in a dark house otherwise your fumbling around for 5 mins while it warms up. I could leave a light on I suppose, but that defeats the object of an energy saving bulb.
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