AO Platinum Member
Join Date: May 2013
County: Phnom Penh
Do people set out each morning with the intention of being a massive hindrance?
Do they sit having breakfast with their significant other and say “Do you know what Miriam, I’m going to be a pain in the ‘arris today. I’m going to walk everywhere really slowly then stop or change direction randomly for no reason. I’m going to stand right next to the doors whenever I use a lift so that nobody can get out. I’m going to park my car actually completely on the footpath instead of walking from a proper parking space. I’m going to **** about with my phone in Tesco instead of concentrating on what I’m doing."
“That’s nice dear”
“When I’ve done that I’m going to queue up in shops for ten minutes then still not know what I want when I get served. I’m going to stand in the middle of the supermarket aisle blocking it with my trolley. If I have to stand still, I’m going to do it near a door so that I’m in everyone’s way. I’m going to ring you from the train and shout really loudly to you. I’m going to do a three point turn in the middle of a main road and look at everyone whose way I’m in like they are idiots. I’m going to ask for a taster of every beer in the pub, including the Carling.”
“Smashing. Brian from no. 56 is coming round later so don’t ring until after 4pm.”
“If that isn’t enough, I’m going to take up 3 seats on the train with my shopping. I’m going to complain about the lack of vegan options in Greggs. I’m going to tut at a homeless man who asks me for change. I’m going to watch 5 episodes of Top Gear back-to-back then tweet about how rubbish it is.”
“Knock yourself out. Me and Brian will. We’ve been at it like knives for years.”
“I’m going to go to work and tell everyone who passes my desk the same story all day. Next I’m going to get a voluntary job with Save the Squirrels/World Wasp and Mosquito protection society/Jehovah’s Witnesses/Church of the drunken Jesus hanging about in railway stations asking people who are rushing for trains if they want to sign up for a direct ****ing debit. Or maybe get a job doing telesales then I can ring people up at teatime to see if they want a conservatory or if they ever had PPI/an accident/medical malpractice.”
“I won’t be here when you get back. Brian and I are going to make a new life together away from you you useless irritating twunt."
You know those facebook posts where it shows a picture of a bothy on a remote Scottish island and asks if you would stay there for a month with no TV or internet for a month for £100,000? I’d do it for ****ing free. As long as ‘er indoors and the dog came, and I could take a big stack of books it would be my dream holiday.
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