Good people of AO. Before we start, some disclaimers.
This isn't a rage fueled, face-contorted rant that'll make the foundations of your house shake. I'm sorry about that. It'll even show some sympathy for those that are the subject of it - cold callers, the people with the worst job in the world - knowing that as they glumly trudge into work, 99% of the calls they make will result in them being told to **** off, fepp off or have people hanging up on them mid sentence.
So, when they call the office to offer a professional service (oi! cheeky! a professional service for the business, not 'that' sort of professional service!), I have some sympathy for them. I usually listen (after all, they may well have something useful to offer), and after explaining that we don't need that service, I warmly bid them a good day. We can wrap up the call in 30 seconds without me acting like an ar5e wipe, or making them feel like an ar5e wipe for calling. Everyone's a winner, right?
But... there are two increasingly common techniques that are starting to get on my wick (check the edgy language there!
"Hello Mr Scud. My name's Heather from Network Solutions. Do you remember we spoke in October about your network security and you asked me to call you back?" Now, that's the trap they want you to fall into. They are hedging their bets on you being busy, not remembering everyone you have spoken to three months ago, and - most importantly - that spur-of-the-moment, on-the-hoof social awkwardness; i.e you being too embarrassed to admit to them that you have forgotten them. They are counting on you to either say 'Err, err, err, no I don't remember, but please remind me', or lie and say, 'Yes, I think so, but can you remind me?' Either response, and - Bang! - they're in.
Trouble is, I do remember every call. And I know full well I did not speak to Heather from Network Solutions. Because A) network security is not my responsibility b) We have a company that manages it and there are no plans to change.
The thing that is wrong with this approach, is that the service provider's call is based on one thing - a lie. But we are not going to engage with any service provider who starts an approach to a relationship with... a lie.
Second one that's now quite common.
Phone rings, work bud picks it up, and the voice at the other ends says: "Hello, I'd like to speak to Mr Scud. It's Reginald Tremble-Knees from Fortisan & Frimble. [here comes the arrogance] He's expecting my call." Erm, no he chuffing well isn't.
And that my friends, is about as much rage as I can manage on this terrible matter.
I thank thee