AO Platinum Member
Join Date: May 2013
County: Phnom Penh
About 6 months have passed since I was last active on here. I’m a little bit older, almost certainly no wiser, and a lot has happened. Some of it good, some bad, some occupying that territory in the middle that is good or bad, just really ****ing annoying.
I shall start my catharsis with a plea to Manchester’s Christmas shoppers. I, like my fellow city centre workers, always like to see huge crowds at this time of the year as we try to make constructive use of very short lunch breaks to get some dinner, go to the bank, run to Tesco for the vital ingredient for tonight’s tea etc. There are a few things you could do, however, to make our lives easier.
Firstly, when you get off a train or bus, it would help us enormously if you could just stop and stand still as soon as you step onto the footpath or platform. This enables everyone behind you to bang into each other for that Christmas touchy-feely experience.
Secondly, whilst walking around Manchester’s bustling city centre, instead of walking like a normal person with some sort of purpose and point, meander round aimlessly like a donkey with no rider. If you could couple this with abrupt stops and random changes of direction, that would be champion. If you do a complete 180 degree change of direction without looking, you will get bonus points. Having a map and holding it upside down will earn you a similar bonus.
Thirdly, if you see any homeless people (and you will), tut loudly and say how disgusting it is. For transparency, lest anyone accuse you of compassion, make a point of highlighting that it is their presence that offends, rather than their plight being a concern.
Fourthly, take an umbrella with you, even if there’s no chance of rain and you’re not going to be outside all day. See how many people you can stab with the pointy end of your umbrella. That always gives us a laugh.
Fifthly (is that a word?), once you’ve got more bags than you can carry, drag them back to the railway station. When you get there, try to get confused by the automatic barriers if possible. All you have to do is stick your ticket in the slot so try to make it as inaccessible as possible (in your purse that's lost in one of your bags, or in Madge’s handbag that she’s left in Marks’ cafe is ideal) and, if there’s a group of you, fan out to block as many gates as possible.
Sixthly, when returning to the station, try to get there after 4.30pm if you can, then build a wall across the platform with your bags to give the commuters who are willing to walk a bit further down the platform in search of personal space a bit of it’s-a-knockout obstacle based fun. When you get on the train, block up the aisles with your bags and tut loudly every time someone asks you to move them. Once the train completely fills up (and it will) and sets off (not as certain as it filling up), moan loudly about how busy it is and how inconsiderate people are for not giving up their seat for your shopping bags.
For those whom are thinking that they already do all of this, and more, I KNOW! I’M BEING IRONIC!
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