E-Mails

[Highland159]

Dear All

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel for every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can or bottle I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the£15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

However, I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch my car in case a serial killer crawls into my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will connect me to a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls on it to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex offender waiting underneath my car to grab me.

Now, if you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh, and by the way ... a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with a low IQ, who have infrequent sexual activity, always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.






Don't bother taking it off now!

[Darren156]

Good one.

[nomad]

[BigFoot]

What hand?

[JimmerUK]

always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Excellent! That really made me laugh.

It does go to show that if you believed everything you read you wouldn't be able to do anything.

Reminds me of an email I once got:

"Girls, you have to be careful as there is a new breed of conman prowling the streets.

If you get a knock on the door, and when you answer it a man asks to see your boobs... DON'T DO IT! He only wants to see your boobs!

This guy has been getting away with it for ages, so warn all your friends who might be vulnerable".

[Green_Rizla]

Good One........made me laugh



cheers
Peter

[classicgal93]

nice list, it's a wonder we are still here.

[Ant]

The word gullible isn't in the dictionary, did you know that??

[scsc]

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

Oh my god ! I must know your next door neighbour, cos exactly the same thing happened to my best friend's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

What are the chances of that eh?